OUAT Crackfic: Fake Marriage

So @oparu and I got to talking about crackfic (and the criminal lack thereof in Once Upon a Time Fandom), and then we talked about favorite tropes and about how Forced Marriage hits a little close to home for Regina, probably, and wasn’t nearly as funny as it ought to be. So then I said that I could buy it with Emma and Regina if it wasn’t a Swan Queen fic and they were still with their respective significant others but had to pretend to be in love because of Reasons. And then I wrote this (it has both Captain Swan and Outlaw Queen, FYI):

Villain: I’m going to destroy you and your happiness… and then the entire town for good measure. You’re no saviors, you’re just pathetic whiners who can’t even take care of one measly little Dark One–

Henry: Hey! Don’t talk about my moms like that!

Villain: Your moms? They are married? It’s True Love? ALAS MY PLAN IS FOILED FOR SOME UNBELIEVABLE REASON!

Emma: What? No–

Villain: OH GOOD I KILL YOU NOW.

Emma: I mean you don’t know the power of my … love… for this woman. *elbows Regina*

Regina: Oh yes. Much tension.

Emma: Sexual tension. Give me a kiss, honeybunches.

Regina: …

Emma (in a stage whisper): Regina, come on.

Regina (also in a stage whisper): Did you brush your teeth?

Emma (hissing): Regina!

Regina: Fine. *gives Emma the quickest peck on her lips ever seen* I can’t get enough of you, my little bearclaw.

Emma: *mouths ‘little bearclaw?’ back at Regina before sighing theatrically* You say the sweetest things.

Villain: I can’t believe this. Foiled by lesbians. Again. First Oz and now this. I’m going to get some coffee.

The Villain stomps off to get coffee and decides to stick around Storybrooke, meaning that Emma and Regina have to keep up the facade.

Several weeks later, Emma is having lunch with Hook at Granny’s. Not paying attention to their surroundings, they kiss. Unfortunately, the Villain chooses that moment to walk through the door.

Villain: *gasps in outrage* I have been deceived! You aren’t truly in love with Regina after all!

Emma: Uh oh. Wait! Wait! You don’t understand. I… am weak. *she hangs her head*

Regina enters the diner, with Robin.

Emma: You see, I love Regina, I do. It’s just that… she’s not enough for me. In bed.

Villain: *gasps*

Regina (feigning disappointed outrage): Emma?

Emma: Regina? I didn’t–I’m sorry, I just–

Regina: You couldn’t tell me?

Emma: I didn’t want you to think there was anything wrong with you.

Regina: I see. Well, if I’m being perfectly honest, you’re not enough for me, either.

Emma: What?

Villain: What?

Regina: *shrugs* You always want to cuddle. I hate cuddling. And you do that thing every time.

Emma: That thing? You love that thing!

Regina: Not really, no.

Emma: I can’t believe this.

Robin and Hook, in unison: Me, neither.

Regina: Maybe we should…

Villain, leaning in eagerly: Break up? Fight? Allow me to destroy your happiness?

Regina: open up our marriage.

Emma, obviously struggling not to laugh: You… you mean that? You’d do that for me?

Regina: Not for you… for us.

They embrace.

Villain: *groans*