Holdouttrout

So @oparu and I got to talking about crackfic (and the criminal lack thereof in Once Upon a Time Fandom), and then we talked about favorite tropes and about how Forced Marriage hits a little close to home for Regina, probably, and wasn’t nearly as funny as it ought to be. So then I said that I could buy it with Emma and Regina if it wasn’t a Swan Queen fic and they were still with their respective significant others but had to pretend to be in love because of Reasons. And then I wrote this (it has both Captain Swan and Outlaw Queen, FYI):

Villain: I’m going to destroy you and your happiness… and then the entire town for good measure. You’re no saviors, you’re just pathetic whiners who can’t even take care of one measly little Dark One–

Henry: Hey! Don’t talk about my moms like that!

Villain: Your moms? They are married? It’s True Love? ALAS MY PLAN IS FOILED FOR SOME UNBELIEVABLE REASON!

Emma: What? No–

Villain: OH GOOD I KILL YOU NOW.

Emma: I mean you don’t know the power of my … love… for this woman. *elbows Regina*

Regina: Oh yes. Much tension.

Emma: Sexual tension. Give me a kiss, honeybunches.

Regina: …

Emma (in a stage whisper): Regina, come on.

Regina (also in a stage whisper): Did you brush your teeth?

Emma (hissing): Regina!

Regina: Fine. *gives Emma the quickest peck on her lips ever seen* I can’t get enough of you, my little bearclaw.

Emma: *mouths ‘little bearclaw?’ back at Regina before sighing theatrically* You say the sweetest things.

Villain: I can’t believe this. Foiled by lesbians. Again. First Oz and now this. I’m going to get some coffee.

The Villain stomps off to get coffee and decides to stick around Storybrooke, meaning that Emma and Regina have to keep up the facade.

Several weeks later, Emma is having lunch with Hook at Granny’s. Not paying attention to their surroundings, they kiss. Unfortunately, the Villain chooses that moment to walk through the door.

Villain: *gasps in outrage* I have been deceived! You aren’t truly in love with Regina after all!

Emma: Uh oh. Wait! Wait! You don’t understand. I… am weak. *she hangs her head*

Regina enters the diner, with Robin.

Emma: You see, I love Regina, I do. It’s just that… she’s not enough for me. In bed.

Villain: *gasps*

Regina (feigning disappointed outrage): Emma?

Emma: Regina? I didn’t–I’m sorry, I just–

Regina: You couldn’t tell me?

Emma: I didn’t want you to think there was anything wrong with you.

Regina: I see. Well, if I’m being perfectly honest, you’re not enough for me, either.

Emma: What?

Villain: What?

Regina: *shrugs* You always want to cuddle. I hate cuddling. And you do that thing every time.

Emma: That thing? You love that thing!

Regina: Not really, no.

Emma: I can’t believe this.

Robin and Hook, in unison: Me, neither.

Regina: Maybe we should…

Villain, leaning in eagerly: Break up? Fight? Allow me to destroy your happiness?

Regina: open up our marriage.

Emma, obviously struggling not to laugh: You… you mean that? You’d do that for me?

Regina: Not for you… for us.

They embrace.

Villain: *groans*

Title: Newcomer
Fandom: A toy world specifically focusing on a Care Bear and A My Little Pony
Pairing: Funshine Bear/Sunny Daze
Category: OMG I am so going to hell
Summary: A new toy comes to the room, and Funshine Bear is inexplicably unhappy.
Notes: From the prompt "Fuzzy-wuzzy bear," for beanpot (who was drunk at the time she asked for this). You can totally look up these two characters on google if you want; I did all my 'research' on there, or you can take my word on the fact that Funshine Bear was genderswapped in her/his own canon.


( This is probably where I should apologize )

Challenge: 6 (Vampires AU)
Title: Cold
Word count: Approx. 400 words. (It just wouldn't be a drabble)
Character(s): Jarod, Miss Parker, Sydney, Broots, and mentions of Raines.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Slightly crackified terror. It could also count as holiday fic, I suppose. *grins* Written for blue_cove.


( Mystery )

So...you know that Cliche Fic I'm supposed to write? I started to write one today, but I really wasn't in the mood for angsty, involved storytelling. So you get bad!fic cliches instead. Pepper, I SWEAR this isn't your non-existent bday present. That should be a proper fic, with characters and plot and stuff. HOWEVER, this totally counts for the "Staying a little too late on movie night..." cliche. It clocks in at a whopping 336 words. Woot!

I Present: "Sorry"

( In which Teal'c and Daniel are not-so Mysteriously Absent )

I am taking only partial blame for this. This not-ficlet is dedicated to the hardworking people on the Dragon*Con Stargate track, splash_the_cat, who brought this to my attention, and most especially beanpot, who had a lousy day yesterday and could use a little crackfic in her life.

Title: Super Sekret Stargate Ponies
Category: Horror, Crackfic, Gen
Amount which I am sorry: Much, much more than you can imagine.

( Oh, dear god. Forgive me. )

Please, please don't kill me.

EDIT: NOW WITH COMMENT FIC BY supplyship, in which Jack saves them all from horrible pony doom!

You requested them, and I wrote them. Enjoy!

Breathless: Sam/Daniel porn, for shutthef_up MATURE.

( It's a little clumsy )

Pretense: Sam/Cam, through Jack's bitter eyes, requested by surreallis

( Poor Jack )

Gestational: Sam/Vala (kinda), MPREG Crackfic for splash_the_cat (You really need the total request for this one: Cam becomes the gestational surrogate for Sam and Vala's triplets. And Daniel and Cam get trapped in a supply closet, and Cam goes into labor, and Daniel is the one who has to deliver the babies. But then Janet Descends from her heretofore unknown Ascension to talk him through it, and they all live happily ever after.

Except Cam, who never actually really thought about how the babies were going to come out.

THE END.

( She gave me the entire plot, and this is my take )

Blue Eyes: Uh...songfic cliche for supplyship

( The prompt went through its own revision process )

Comfort Food: Teal'c on a television cooking show for pulsar4529

( Cookies! )

karma_aster was complaining about the anti-Pete sentiment and wondering why no one ever wrote Jack as the asshole and Pete as the knight in shining armor. I didn't quite write that exact scenario, but...I did write fic!

( warning: gratuitous use of blue eyes ahead )

Last seen with abyssinia4077:

The thing is, when people look for stories, they always make it sound like badfic. Now, often that's because it really is badfic, but sometimes it's good and they just suck at describing the story.

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to summarize badly any one (or more!) of my stories and I'll try to guess which it is. You could even pretend you don't remember the pairing or fandom to make it harder to guess.

EDIT: Okay, I can't resist. First of all, pepper_field has a rant about her IT department, and someone commented that *their* IT department is comprised of individuals who are clearly aliens from another planet. To which pepper said, "Yeah, but are the Asgards or Goa'ulds."

So then...

( Fic Happened )

Okay, so last night 

annerbhp and I were talking, and I was (supposedly) beta-ing her sjficathonstory, but the only thing *I* found (am I a terrible beta, or is she just. that. brilliant?) was that she had typed "RepliCater" instead of "RepliCarter."

So I point this out, and hilarity ensued about caterers and food and then she posted her story and I went to bed.

This morning, I went to post a review of her story, and I mentioned I hadn't really done anything to deserve her thanks, and she said that no, I really had, and pointed out the RepliCaterer thing.

So I wrote a comment fic set during season 8. You know, kinda. You can find it here or below the cut. (She also pimped it for me!)

 

( RepliCarter 1.0 )

*_*_*_*_*

Long, long ago, I promised the SG-1 as bunnies fic. Then, I kinda forgot about it until my stuffed bunny, Jack, reminded me that I really ought to post that, because wasn't around here somewhere, pretty much ready to go?

Jack is a wise stuffed rabbit (and the reason for this mess).

Title: Bunnies!
Fandom: SG-1
Category: Crackfic
Rating: Mild
Summary: SG-1 gets turned into bunnies. Maybe.

( Cute, fluffy, flop-eared bunnies )

*_*_*_*