Fic: A Day in the Life of Your Typical Goddess, Stargate SG-1, crackfic

[holdouttrout]

So, I'm in the middle of reading Darkfic...soooo yummy. Anyway, here's something weird that literally popped out of my head. Not betaed; all mistakes are mine.

Title: A Day in the Life of Your Typical Goddess: Or How Sam Keeps the Universe Running
Fandom: Stargate, only a crackified Stargate in which the characters are either all ascended and/or gods and goddesses. Take your pick.
Rating: PG
Category: Crack fic.
Pairing: Sam/Jack (not the main focus)
Summary: The title says it all. No, I don't know what I was on.
Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, and you can all be glad of that.

Samantha was aware of Daniel's presence as soon as he crossed the borders into her realm, but she continued her work, furiously scribing new Laws so that they would be ready in case the mortals managed to suss out the current physical boundaries. She tracked Daniel's progress through the illusory labyrinth that guarded her home, since he tended to get lost when he was too distracted. Today, however, he seemed focused and determined to reach her, and just as she finished writing the last word of the latest group of Laws--one she was particularly proud of, actually; it managed quite nicely to firm up the Boundaries between realms while still allowing the gods relatively easy access across the lines of time and space--when Daniel, still writing in his ever-present book, appeared at her door.

"Daniel," she greeted. "Did your apprentices throw you out in utter disgust again?"

Every once in a while, Daniel's apprentices would get tired of him peering over their shoulders, making sure they were capturing every last jot of history perfectly correctly, and would shove him out the door and ask him to visit Sam--for his own good. He pretended to mind, and they pretended he was in control.

He pushed his glasses up his nose--an affectation acquired from his time as a sort-of mortal--and said, "Actually, I'm here today because we have a problem."

A problem that Daniel brought to her could only mean one thing.

"Jack."

"And Vala."

Sam hmmm-ed and sighed in exasperation. There was a reason, when they were mortal (some more than others, as Daniel was wont to ignore the Rules and kept coming back), that they had kept Jack and Vala apart. It wasn't that Sam was worried about her husband (and honestly, why had they decided to separate for that particular adventure, anyway? Completely ridiculous), but Vala was Trouble. Literally. And Jack was... mischievous, playing with all sorts of beings that got grand ideas and tried to take over the galaxy.

Sam suddenly remembered. Oh yes, that's why they were separated. Because the Goa'uld? Totally Jack's fault. She had been quite annoyed with him, and even more annoyed at having to descend to fix it. Again.

"What have they done this time?" she asked.

"Oh, not much...yet. They're playing with the 'gates."

Sam frowned. No, she glared. And while she was, in fact, remarkably beautiful when angry, she tended to also...electrocute people who were around her when she lost her temper. Daniel shuffled away from her.

But she gathered herself together and pulled in her power, including Daniel. One moment, they were in her workshop, pressure building in their ears; the next, they were standing in front of a squabbling Jack and Vala and a very large, very old, very impressive Stargate. It somehow gave the impression of being denser, more solid, more...shiny..., than the little planet-to-planet 'gates on the planets.

Sam stormed up to the platform. Thankfully, most of Sam's readily available power had gone into transporting her and Daniel right to the 'gate, so all that came off her were impressive-looking, but mostly harmless, sparks.

"Jack O'Neill! What do you think you're doing to my 'gate?"

Jack jumped, startled, as Vala rolled her eyes and murmured an "Uh oh," under her breath.

Jack tried for innocent, first. "Nothing!" Sam's frown indicated she wasn't buying it. "Well, not nothing, but it was just a small thing, a little trick. Just something to entertain...oh, for cryin' out loud, it wasn't like it was gonna be permanent!"

He chanced taking his eyes off Sam for a moment, gave Daniel a very nasty glance, and mouthed, "Tattle-tale," at him. Daniel just shrugged. He'd rather endure the pranks Jack would undoubtedly pull than to risk another century of Sam's fuming. When they'd (finally) died, it had taken her a very long time to even speak to Jack, and they were still working on merging their realms, Sam being reluctant to let her perfect order dissolve into Jack's habitual chaos.

Sam wasn't really paying attention to the exchange. "What. Exactly. Were. You. Doing. To. My. Gate?"

Jack winced.

Vala answered.

"Inserting a set of protocols for a specified period of time in which all travelers through the Stargate system would emerge with a...slightly different skin tone than their usual."

Jack looked confused. "I thought we were turning their skin purple."

"That's what I said!"

"Purple!?"

Their heads swiveled back toward Sam.

"For Pete's sake--" and her face reflected a vindictive triumph as Jack glowered at the name, "the color controls are set perfectly, and it took me ages to get them just right," and she was grumbling now as she stalked to the side of the 'gate and opened an access panel, "and I'm going to have to spend ages, simply ages, resetting them."

"No kidding," Vala said. "Those things are complicated."

Daniel kicked her ankle subtly, but Sam barely noticed, her head buried in the flashing crystals and wires and whatever the heck else made the damn thing work, anyway.

"They've never been the same since I had to let Bob take over the maintenance for me while we fixed your last mistake, anyway," she added, sounding, despite her earlier anger, almost cheerful. Daniel knew she loved fiddling with the 'gate system, no matter what the cause, and Jack had apparently realized she was more or less over her anger, because he relaxed. A little.

"Hey," he said. "We were going to input a time limit. Really. Two, three decades, tops."

She pulled her head out of the access panel and frowned. He flinched back, but then smiled disarmingly. "Need any help? When we're done, we could...go fishing."

She snorted and put her head back. After a few seconds, she said reluctantly, "Okay, you can come over once I'm done."

Jack grinned happily while Daniel just shook his head. Vala stuck her hand through his arm.

She said plaintively, "I'm bored. Let's go..."

"No," Daniel said automatically, starting to drag her away from the 'gate.

"But..."

"No."

"We could always..."

"No."

And with Sam focused on technology, Jack focused on Sam (and the promise of after-'gate-fixing sex), Vala focused on Daniel focused on keeping Vala out of trouble, the universe heaved a sigh of relief, everything being back to its own relative sort of normal.

Bob just felt insulted for no particular reason he could think of, but did a couple of glowy exercises and got over himself.

Comments

[surreallis.livejournal.com]

LMAO! Now this was just priceless! What a great story! Funny and just a perfect fable. :)

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it...it was a lot of fun to write.

[caladria.livejournal.com]

*LMAO*

And love the last line, and the entire randomness of the entire thing.

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

Poor Bob. :-) Thanks for enjoying my weird sense of...humor? Something like that.

[nandamai]

Hilarious. And I think Bob's my new favorite.

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

Oh, good. All must love Bob.

[eve11]

bwa! (here from nandamai). Despite being all-powerful beings, they are surprisingly still in character, and that is just too funny. the Jack and Vala show was hilarious.

Jack looked confused. "I thought we were turning their skin purple."

*snerk*

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad they are still in character. Making anyone an all-powerful being tends to destroy character...but Jack has to be Jack. And you *know* the Jack and Vala show would be stupifyingly hilarious.

[annerbhp.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

Poor Bob.

Crack fic is just....the most wonderful thing. And this one is particularly great. Thanks for the grin inducing fic. I certainly needed it. :)

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

Thanks for friending! I have this deep-seated love for crack fic, and this one appeared in my brain out of nowhere. I think it's my roommate's influence; she likes to browse the encyclopedia mythica.

[dark3princess.livejournal.com]

Bravo on Crackfic:)
I love how Jack always reverts to childish behavior...and I loved that him and Sam were married...that's all that mattered;p
<3

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, us fanfic writers have to give the characters some sort of compensation for the dramatic angst they get on the show...and for all the other horrors we (ficcers) put them through.

Glad you liked it!

[xfirefly9x.livejournal.com]

Hehe! Bob! *falls off chair* Soooo random! =P

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

Yes, Bob is, by default, my random name--which I try to stay away from, being so...default--but the idea of an ascended being named Bob? Couldn't resist.

Welcome to the fluff!

[xfirefly9x.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm....I'll have to pick a default name sometime, too! They sound very cool. *nods* =P

As for Bob being the name of an ascended being....heh, I can see why you couldn't resist! *smirks*

Welcome to the fluff!

Hehe, thanks!

That reminds me. You're a member of spdf_weekly, right?? I may have just signed up there today... Hopefully that means lots of fluff coming from me soon! (....eh...is it just me or did that sound seriously strange!?!) Yer...Just thought I'd say... =)

[holdouttrout.livejournal.com]

I am a member of the Society, but there's not been much activity of late, sadly. I'm willing to try to revive it if you are, though!

[xfirefly9x.livejournal.com]

Revival is good. *nods* I can probably advertise on my LJ and communities a bit - that might be a good place to start. So yeah, I'm in if you are =)